Master Class: Never Eat Alone – with Keith Ferrazzi
Keith Ferrazzi wasn’t always good at building relationships.
“In an earlier stage of my life, I had a chip on my shoulder from being teased, ridiculed for the clothes I wore, the car that [my family] drove, the economic situation we were in,” says Keith, tech entrepreneur and author of the newly expanded and updated book Never Eat Alone. “That was my fuel, the fuel to overcome those early disadvantages.”
But as Keith got older, he realized that the chip on his shoulder that pushed him to succeed would only hold him back in his career. “By the time I got older, I no longer made the assumption that I was a part of the out-group,” he says. “If you feel that you’re a part of the out-group, if you feel you don’t deserve to have that conversation with that entrepreneur, if you feel you don’t deserve to have the conversation with your boss or with that venture capitalist, then that’s exactly what will be true.”
In fact, deciding that he was part of the in-group is what launched Keith’s career. While interning at Deloitte, he walked up to one of the partners and struck up a conversation. “I spoke of how I had admired him, and I asked about his pathway,” says Keith. “I said, ‘Hey, do you have any time afterward? I’d love to grab a drink with you and your partners.’ And he accepted that invitation.”
One year later, Keith was invited to join the firm, and he went on to become a partner. “I became one of the youngest partners ever elected at the company,” he says.
In his Mixergy course, Keith shows you how to create deeper, more authentic relationships that will accelerate your career. Here are three highlights from the course.
1. Dinner Parties Aren’t for Everyone
“There are certain acts that accelerate the connection of humans: the act of inviting somebody into your home, the act of breaking bread together, the act of storytelling, and the act of letting your guard down enough to tell another individual about what’s really going on in your life,” he says.
But throwing a dinner party doesn’t sound like fun to a lot of people. “I know that there are a number of introverts [who are] thinking that stapling your tongue would be more exciting than what I’m proposing.”
So how can you deepen relationships if you’re not up for hosting?
Choose something you like
Invite people to activities that you are comfortable with.
“I would recommend that you start slowly…and start where things are fun,” he says. “If asking somebody for drinks at the pub is your idea, great. If going to workout with somebody is what you’re going to suggest, that’s great, or a run, or a cup of coffee at the local Starbucks.”
Keith says that the activity you choose isn’t what’s really important. “Everybody needs to find their own authentic way to accelerate and deepen relationships,” he says. “I don’t care what it is…the act of connecting with others is what matters.”
2. Get In to See the Wizard
That’s why Keith recommends making a list. “So if you’re a tech entrepreneur, better have VCs on your list, better have high potential talent on your list,” he says.
But if you’re just starting out, you might not know any VCs.
So what do you do if you don’t have connections to people on the A-list?
Use a networking system
Build your way up to them.
To do that, start with a list of aspirational contacts and contacts you can reach out to today. Then, prioritize your list. “You have A-, B-, and C-level priorities,” he says. Your A-level priorities you’re going to put more time and effort into.”
Finally, label the strength of the relationship. “If you don’t know someone yet, he starts out as a zero level,” says Keith. “And you can move that person from a zero to a one, which means you got introduced, to a two, which is an acquaintance, to a three, which is a real, connected link.”
Keith says the connections he’s made using that system are the reason he was able to quickly raise money for his most recent company. “I [raised the money] in two days,” he says. “And that was $1,500,000 in seed capital.”
3. You Can’t Trust a Robot
“Look, I hate small talk,” says Keith. “Who gives a damn? It’s Los Angeles, the weather’s lovely, let’s not talk about it. Let’s talk about what matters.”
But on the other hand, if you get too personal, you’ll just look like a weirdo. “You can’t [interrogate] somebody,” he says, “because if you are not a journalist interviewing them, you don’t have that right.’
So how do you skip the small talk and talk about what matters?
Show them you’re human, too
Put yourself out there first.
“Be courageous enough to be the first human at the table who talks about what you really have going on,” says Keith. “Just because I’ve got an employee who’s a challenge doesn’t make me…unworthy of investment. There’s not a single one of us who hasn’t experienced challenges, and those challenges make us human.”
Even if you can’t be vulnerable right away, you can work toward it. “Some people would never feel comfortable sharing intimately or deeply in a first meeting with somebody,” he says. “For some people it takes 10 meetings. But nobody will trust you until they can feel that you’re also human. Nobody will be vulnerable with you and share what their real needs are in this world until they feel that you’re not judging them. And one of the litmus tests for whether or not you’re going to judge them is whether they’ve experienced you as a real human.”
Written by April Dykman.